Reality and 2013

Welcome to Reality,

    It is a new year, with new hopes and expectations. Those little resolutions that sounded so wonderful while toasting with champagne are now little things nagging you're brain as you catch up on sleep from an exciting night. As many times as I say "this is going to happen", deep down i know that it most likely won't. My resolutions to work out and to eat a certain way never do, but as I mentioned in my previous post, there are things that I can make sure happen ( and already are). It's time to give back to myself, beginning with enriching my mind in a world of literature and encouraging thought. I have a whole slew of books and things I want to read (Including this month's Cosmo.. .). I don't want to just read romance novels with dashing, strong, sexy men  in them and enticing stories that lead to a happily ever after... I want to read those books that everyone says you should read, but deep down you know you won't get to it. For example: "The Awakening" by Kate Chopin has been on my kindle for almost a year now, and I still have not picked it up. "Wuthering Heights" by Emily Bronte has also made it's way onto my kindle, but alas, has not been touched. It is the award winning novels that make it onto the best sellers list that I long to be reading and challenging myself with. Although, I still love a good romance novel... even if it is the cheesy Harlequin Romance books. So after I pondered these new goals for myself, I spent NYE watching my recent ex of three years flirting with other girls and was wallowing in my own self pity for awhile, but today I have turned a new leaf. We finally gave each other our stuff back at this gorgeous snow covered little park with deer back in the small trail I found while waiting for him to show up. I turned my music up a little bit, and listened to Natalie Weiss' rendition of "quiet" from the musical Thirteen Stories Down. The subtle increase in emotion in Natalie's voice combined with the soft falling of the snow seemed so magical for such a heartbreaking event in my life.  I cried as I walked away, without saying goodbye and went back into the simple routine of hating myself and what my life turned into. As I went into Biggby coffee a few hours after leaving the park, I met up with a friend who soon put things into a different perspective for me. Yes, breaking up with someone who took over your life for three years is difficult, but the future holds so many wonderful things for me. I have a fresh start ahead with transferring to a new school and trying new things. My friends have not left me because I am no longer in a relationship, they love me just the same. I suppose the question I need to ask myself is what do I want out of life? My previous NYE goals just contained simple things that don't necessarily make myself feel better. So, today as I sit here writing for you all, I am beginning to think of all the things I want to become this next year. I think that becoming a strong, independent woman who can provide for herself and doesn't need a man to make her happy. So today I turn a new leaf. I am truly going to move on. It's time. There is no more time to be living in the past and wallowing in my despair. With this new year I ring in not necessarily a new "me", I ring in a new point of view, a new beginning, and a new sense of self and love for myself. On that note, I leave you all with good tidings and wishes for this wonderful year. Happy New Year!
   

Wanted

Wanted: Boy who isn't afraid of the future and will love me as I am


                I wish I could say some sappy quote about the ending of my three year relationship to this amazing guy. I wish I could say that he isn't awesome and he doesn't deserve me. Friends and family keep telling me to get angry at him and he wasn't perfect, which I know he wasn't. Sure, he was afraid of the future and couldn't get himself to work up the courage to tell me certain things. But he did say I love you. I guess this is for the best. I spent the last three weeks believing maybe he was coming back. I know deep down inside that he truly isn't going to come back. Maybe that is what hurts the most; the fact that He went from " I love you!" to I've been lying for a month and no longer love you that way.  How does someone go from the most important thing in your life to nobody? They don't over night. I'm slowly learning that I cared way more than he ever did. Maybe that is because he couldn't handle commitment. Maybe it is because he met someone else. Or maybe he is telling me the truth and he doesn't feel the same way about me. I'm not sure excatly what to believe. I know he couldn't handle commitment. I know that. I guess I will always be that girl he dated for years in high school. He was my everything. We were best friends who did everything together, and then all the sudden... we didn't. I wish I could be like Taylor Swift and write a song about this and then get over it. I wish I could bounce back and realize he isn't worth my time. I hope to meet someone new, to help me forget and move on. I trusted him so much. He knows everything there is to know about me. I have trust issues with men already, and now i feel like I can't even know where to begin to trust men again. So, i suppose what I am learning from this is what I truly want in a guy. I have a list forming in my head. For days I have tried to compile my thoughts and allow myself the satisfaction of moving on, I don't think I am ready to yet. I know life goes on... I know it does. These last three weeks have been proof of that. I guess I need to focus on myself for awhile and rebuild and find someone new. I'm back to being that single girl, the girl who hasn't been single for years. Thrown back into a world where she hasn't been in years. It's all so new.  I guess I should start figuring out who I am, alone as a person. I know who I was with him, but who am I by myself? What do I want from a new relationship? No commitment issues, that is for sure. Someone who would be willing to plan the future. Someone who embraces my nerdy side, instead of trying to repress it. Someone who isn't telling me that I can't or shouldn't feel a certain way. Someone who can appreciate this little things I do for them, instead of telling me that I shouldn't do little things for them. I start to think about this stuff and then I think.. is he really happy without me? Truly?