Wanted

Wanted: Boy who isn't afraid of the future and will love me as I am


                I wish I could say some sappy quote about the ending of my three year relationship to this amazing guy. I wish I could say that he isn't awesome and he doesn't deserve me. Friends and family keep telling me to get angry at him and he wasn't perfect, which I know he wasn't. Sure, he was afraid of the future and couldn't get himself to work up the courage to tell me certain things. But he did say I love you. I guess this is for the best. I spent the last three weeks believing maybe he was coming back. I know deep down inside that he truly isn't going to come back. Maybe that is what hurts the most; the fact that He went from " I love you!" to I've been lying for a month and no longer love you that way.  How does someone go from the most important thing in your life to nobody? They don't over night. I'm slowly learning that I cared way more than he ever did. Maybe that is because he couldn't handle commitment. Maybe it is because he met someone else. Or maybe he is telling me the truth and he doesn't feel the same way about me. I'm not sure excatly what to believe. I know he couldn't handle commitment. I know that. I guess I will always be that girl he dated for years in high school. He was my everything. We were best friends who did everything together, and then all the sudden... we didn't. I wish I could be like Taylor Swift and write a song about this and then get over it. I wish I could bounce back and realize he isn't worth my time. I hope to meet someone new, to help me forget and move on. I trusted him so much. He knows everything there is to know about me. I have trust issues with men already, and now i feel like I can't even know where to begin to trust men again. So, i suppose what I am learning from this is what I truly want in a guy. I have a list forming in my head. For days I have tried to compile my thoughts and allow myself the satisfaction of moving on, I don't think I am ready to yet. I know life goes on... I know it does. These last three weeks have been proof of that. I guess I need to focus on myself for awhile and rebuild and find someone new. I'm back to being that single girl, the girl who hasn't been single for years. Thrown back into a world where she hasn't been in years. It's all so new.  I guess I should start figuring out who I am, alone as a person. I know who I was with him, but who am I by myself? What do I want from a new relationship? No commitment issues, that is for sure. Someone who would be willing to plan the future. Someone who embraces my nerdy side, instead of trying to repress it. Someone who isn't telling me that I can't or shouldn't feel a certain way. Someone who can appreciate this little things I do for them, instead of telling me that I shouldn't do little things for them. I start to think about this stuff and then I think.. is he really happy without me? Truly?